As a new leader, accepting feedback with grace is an essential skill that can contribute to your growth and effectiveness, which can in turn help skyrocket your career. In fact, according to Oak Engage’s article, “Employee Feedback Statistics You Need to Know”, 75% of employees believe feedback could be beneficial to work performance.
This week’s article focuses on how to process feedback in a constructive way – even if it “triggers” you.
So, we know that most people say they want feedback. But for some, if the feedback has anything but glowing reviews, the once seemingly wide-open door to performance commentary quickly slams shut. Not only does it slam shut, but it can also come with a spicy side of defensive behavior. Individuals triggered by the slightest of critiques tend to resort to deflecting their focus on the feedback provider by saying and/or doing anything to prove that the feedback is flawed, unfounded, or as proof that their team is against them. Such reactions (regardless of the volume/intensity with which they are served) leave a bad impression and tend to intimidate peers and team members to the point where they avoid dishing out as much, if anymore, feedback. If you are a new leader fighting back against feedback, the results are typcially as follows: conversations with your team members become superficially positive, the work environment becomes hostile, team members are compliant but typically start casually looking for work elsewhere, leading to a high staff turnover. As a leader, these things are rarely beneficial for your reputation. If some of this resonates with you, keep reading!
I strongly believe that there is at least a grain of truth in all feedback, therefore all feedback is, in part, valuable. This is where open lines of communication can help both parties better understand where the other is coming from to come up with a plan to move forward more effectively – and harmoniously.
If you are a new leader (or anyone, for that matter) find yourself clenched in the face of negative feedback, take pause. Perhaps the pointers below can help give some perspective to help you be more open to receiving feedback (both positive and negative) with grace and maintain your poise and integrity as a team leader.
Assess the accuracy of the feedback. Take a moment to objectively evaluate the validity and truthfulness of the feedback provided. Consider at least a bit of merit to the points raised. This doesn’t mean you must fully agree with the feedback without question. Ask “What about this resonates with me?”, “What parts of it is true for those I interact with.” And simply adjust as needed.
Evaluate the source of the feedback. Is it from a reliable and trustworthy individual with relevant knowledge or experience? Feedback from trusted colleagues, mentors, or direct reports may carry more weight than unsolicited feedback from someone with limited insight. If you do receive unsolicited feedback from a certain individual, ask another trusted source (not just your workplace BFF) for their objective view. To avoid coming off as abrassive or defensive, I would recommend you avoid asking in the following way: “So and so said this about me. Do you agree?” Rather, ask an open-ended questions, such as “When it comes to [insert topic/behavior], what feedback can you provide to me to help me improve?” or “In your opinion, how can I improve my [insert topic/behavior/skill]?” Also, give them some time to think about it. No one likes to be put on the spot.
Understand the context in which the feedback is being given. Consider whether it pertains to a specific incident, a recurring pattern, or a general observation. With a curious mindset, it’s ok to ask clarifying questions when the feedback is coming from an individual. It is NOT OK however, to go on a witch hunt if the feedback provider asked to remain anonymous, such as in a 360.
Assume positive intent. Give the feedback provider the benefit of the doubt and assume their intention is to help you improve. Approach feedback with an open mind, recognizing that constructive criticism can be valuable for personal and professional growth. When engaging with clients’ stakeholders to complete 360 reports, their biggest concern is usually that the process will become a “them vs me”. Let me reassure you: the reality is quite the opposite. In fact, feedback providers feel valued to be included in their co-worker's growth. It even has feedback providers reflect on their own professional growth.
It might also be worthwhile to separate delivery from the message. Sometimes feedback that is poorly delivered comes across as harsh. Try to look beyond the delivery style and focus on the underlying message and intent.
Choose a suitable setting and time. If the feedback is given publicly, avoid an immediate emotional response. As satisfying as it would be to react in the moment, don’t. Instead, express gratitude for the feedback and suggest discussing it further in a more proper setting a day or 2 later. Make sure you take some time to process the feedback before meeting to discuss. This allows you to gather your thoughts, write down some questions, control your emotions, and respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively. You also have the permission to ask that the feedback be given in private next time.
When taking the time to process the feedback, I sometimes find it helps to have my clients to “detach” themselves from the situation by imagining a bird’s eye view of themselves within their work environment, and then asking:
“What do my actions display?”
“What is prompting others to perceive my behavior/actions a certain way?”
“What is the gap between how I am now vs how I’d like to be?”
“What is the gap between how I am now and how my team needs me to be?”
I absolutely get that it can be a difficult blow to one’s ego, especially if it is a new leader struggling to assert themselves in a leadership role. If waiting for a performance review is too stressful, I suggest to my clients that they ask for feedback in smaller doses – but more frequently to help make it more digestible. This can also help shine light on ineffective habits before they become a perceived embarrassing trait as the new leader is trying to shape their reputation.
Another strategy to help make feedback more palatable is by asking for feedback on a single specific leadership skill to focus on improving for a month or two. Not only can it feel less overwhelming, but by focusing efforts on a single area, results tend to come to fruition more quickly, which helps boost confidence and then reduces the likelihood of a defensive outburst at work.
A final tidbit to keep in mind if you are still resisting the validity of the feedback: a single person’s perception can absolutely be skewed against your favour, particularly if you don’t have the best working relationship with this individual. However, if the feedback provided in a 360 (where outliers are taken away and the message speaks for the majority), then the information becomes hard to refute. In this case it is best to simply accept it and find a way to move forward differently.
Remember, accepting feedback with grace doesn't mean accepting every piece of feedback blindly. It means approaching feedback objectively, with a curious mindset, evaluating its accuracy and relevance, and responding in a manner that aligns with your values and helps you grow. It's an opportunity for continuous improvement and an investment in your personal and professional development.
With this information in mind, what will be different in the way you react to your next round of feedback at work?
If you are looking for a more customized leadership development experience, leadership coaching may be the better option to get you to your professional development goals faster. Book a complimentary “Discovery Call” to discuss your goals and see if working with a leadership coach might be the way to go.